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An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
Why Men Always Have Opinions, Even On Subjects They Know Nothing About In the animal kingdom, males
exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in order to attract females and to ward off rival males.
They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plummage, and generally try to appear more impressive than
they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when it shows up among
humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say, or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been
discovered that display behavior is much more common among humans than had been previously believed.
Have you ever wondered why:
Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the Japanese?
Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the national debt?
Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace in the Middle
East?
Men who flunked high-school more...
A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says, "I want a
tooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocain because I'm in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it
is."
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."
A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted."What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor."Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it.""Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?"So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea."Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?"The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a more...
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it." The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another." Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog more...
A bicycle can't stand alone because it's two tired.
What's the definition of a will? A dead give away of course.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and address.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
Submitted by Faye
A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says, "I want atooth pulled. I don't want gas or novocain because I'm in a terriblehurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.""You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth itis."The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show thedentist which tooth it is, dear."