Show Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of' em.

4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.

5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell' em "Delta's ready when you are!"

6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy' em!)

8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.

9. Offer to send' em a bottle of fresh air.

10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob.. . you get the idea)

11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever more...

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean."

With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, "Hello, is Melvin there?"

The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"

"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again.

"Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.

"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! more...

A guy rings neighbor's doorbell & a lovely blonde woman answers the door.
"Is Ed here?" he asks.
"Yes, but he's in the shower," she says.
"I really need to see him but I am in quite a rush, and I can only wait a couple of minutes," he says. As he waits, he continues, "being your neighbor, it might be wrong of me to say so, but my dear... you have the loveliest rack. I've got $100 if you'll show me."
"Oh Mike, that is so wrong. On the other hand, we sure could use the money," she says as she pulls up her top.
"Wow! That was worth every cent, but beyond that you also have the cutest ass I've ever seen. I'll give you another $100 to show me the rest of your stuff."
"Oh Mike, that's awful but Ed's in the shower so he won't know and another $100 really would help around here," she says, dropping her shorts.
"Well I gotta go. Tell Ed I stopped by, OK?" Mike leaves, and a few minutes more...

An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.
The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.
Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."
So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.
The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

Statistics show that marriage is 83 percent effective in preventing suicide. On the other hand, statistics also show that suicide is 100 percent effective in preventing marriage.

Following the controversy with a monologue joke from Late Show host David Letterman, Sarah Palin told Today Show host Matt Lauer that if her daughter Willow ever met Letterman in person, she "would want to react to him in a way that maybe would catch him off guard."
...like beg him to adopt her.

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.
"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.
"Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."
"Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?"
So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.
"Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?"
The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it more...