Shut Jokes / Recent Jokes
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEETS WINDOWS95 Costello: Hey, Abbott! Abbot: Yes, Lou? Costello: I just got my first computer. Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get? Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2. 1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. Abbot: That's terrific, Lou. Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!! Abbot: You will in time. Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you. Abbot: Oh? Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert. Abbot: Well, I don't know- Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. Abbot: Really? Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. Abbot: O. K. Lou. What do you want to know? Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. Abbot: That's true. Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then- Costello: No, I told you, I want to more...
One day, Bob's class was assigned to write down everything they heard at home.
When Bob got home, he heard his mom and dad fighting.
"Shut up" he heard his dad say.
Bob wrote that down.
Next he went to his sister's room. She was chatting on-line. It just so happened that she said everything she typed. "Duh!" Bob heard her saying.
Bob wrote that down.
After that, he went to the living room were he heard his little brother saying, "Super Man!"
Bob wrote that down.
Last, he went near the bathroom were his grandpa was singing, "Every day, the whole day, in the bathroom."
Bob wrote that down.
~~~
The next day at school, The teacher asked Bob, "What did you write, Bob?"
Bob answered, "Shut up!"
"Excuse me, but do you want to go to the Principal's office?"
"Duh!" was Bob's reply.
At the principal's office he asked Bob, "What's your more...
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never Be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a more...
1.Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
4.Whistle the first seven notes of It's a Small World incessantly.
5.Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7.Shave.
8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol more...
Then there was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies.
But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her "ladies" in for bridge etc.
This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.
Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home.
"You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed," she told him.
"Oh, relax," says the husband, "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone."
"Just keep your mouth shut," says the wife. Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.
She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and more...
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer the sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a male chauvinist more...
At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1, 000 miles to the gallon."
General Motors has issued a press release stating:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. more...