Shut Jokes / Recent Jokes

A doctor died and went to hell. He was met at the gate and asked to stand in a room and wait for Satan. After 4 hours Satan finally appeared. The doctor was incensed. Poking his watch he said, "How could you keep me waiting so long!! I am an important man! I'm a doctor!"
Satan replied, "Doctors are a dime a dozen here in Hell. But I'll tell you what. Since you had to wait so long, I will give you a choice of which part of hell you will spend eternity in."
Satan took the doctor down a hall and said, "Here. I'll be back shortly. You can choose between Door #1 and Door #2. I'll be back and you can let me know where you want to be assigned."
The doctor opened Door #1. Inside was an Intensive Care Unit. Blood was spurting, alarms were going off and patients were coding. A man in the corner extubated himself as a woman in the center fell out of bed. The doctor quickly shut the door and said, "My God, I really am in Hell. I'd better check more...

Statement of fact (anti-English)
The alternative encyclopaedia of Scotland
E is for England
A small irrelevant country which, humourously, thinks itself important. The source of much jollity the world over, England is a strong contender for the Country You Most Love To Hate award. From Mandalay to Mauritius via Timbuktu and Tasmania, everyone hates England. Indeed, England has it within its grasp to bring about global unification just by declaring war on the world. Every nation on earth would unite in the fight.
Strange but true; the reason England thinks it is the centre of the universe is because it won the football {soccer in N America} World Cup in 1966. Though irritating, this would not have mattered too much if it had learned to shut up about it for five minutes. England also had an obscenely big empire which, again, was noteworthy only for how much it annoyed everyone else.
A common misconception is that England lost its empire because the uppity more...

One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window. Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names." Shut Up", replied Shut Up." Stupid", replied Stupid. The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. "Excuse Me!" shouted the chief. Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names." Shut Up!""Stupid!"The police chief was very riled. He then asked" Are you looking for trouble?"! !! Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,"Why yes, how did you know?"

A woman invented this ray gun that will shut down a car instinately. No one buys it so she didn't make any money off it. So she decides to make money her own way. One day she pointed it to this car with a man in it and it shut down. The woman lets the man stay the night in the guest bedroom. when the man wakes up he finds his dick in her mouth and she holds up a sign that says give me $50 or I'll bite. The man pays up.
The woman does this over and over again, but this one day she did the same routine and she puts his dick in her mouth and waits till he wakes up. When he woke up she held up her sign that said $50 or I'll bite then the man puts up a sign saying $150 or I'll piss.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho Marx
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran
Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinley
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they more...

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. - Groucho MarxWe in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho MarxI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho MarxPolitics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho MarxEighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie MasonPerfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands... but English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset MaughamThere's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavranMarriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinleyMen have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. - H. L. MenckenBachelors more...

Three men were trying out for the FBI.
The testing agent approached the three men with a gun. He pointed to a door and said, "We have all your wives in that room over there. For you to make it into the FBI, you must each take this gun and shoot your wife."
The first man took the gun, walked boldly into the room, and shut the door. The others listened for gunshots, but heard nothing. A while later, the man came out of the room, crying, "I can't shoot my wife. I love her!"
The second man took the gun, walked boldly into the room, and shut the door behind him. The others again listened for gunshots, but again heard only silence. The man came out, bawling, and said, "I can't shoot my wife! She cooks so well, and I love her so much!"
The third man said, "Gimme the danged gun." He snatched the weapon, and marched in the room. It took no time at all to hear: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
That was followed by all sorts of more...