Sick Jokes / Recent Jokes
A woman dies and goes to heaven. As St. Peter is processing her,she hears a woman screaming in pain. She looks in the room and sees them drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings. Then she hears a man screaming and sees them drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo.
"I do not want to go to heaven", she tells St. Peter. "I'll go to the other place."
"You want to go hell", he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there"
"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that."
There was this blind man on an airplane and while he was up in the air, the two pilots that were flying died. This man felt the plane rocking more than normal so he went up to the cock-pit and asked what was wrong and got no answer. He reached down and felt one of the pilots pulse, and then moved him to the floor and got on the radio and yelled, "Mayday, mayday, I'm a blind man, my pilots are dead, I can't fly and the plane is upside down."
Someone answers and says, "Okay sir, now you said you were blind. How can you tell that the pilots are dead and that you're flying upside down?"
The blind man said, "Well I felt for their pulse and they had none. And the way I can tell that the plane is flying upside down is I can feel the crap running down my neck!"
A faith healer ran into his old friend, Max and asked him how things were going.
"Not so good, was the pained reply. "My brother is very sick."
"Your brother isn't sick," contradicted the faith healer, "he only thinks he's sick. Remember that, he only thinks he's sick."
Two months later they met again and the faith healer asked Max:
"How's your brother now?"
"Worse, groaned Max, "he thinks he's dead."
Calling in Sick.... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am more...
FIRST BOY: Did you know that diaorreoa is herreditary?
SECOND BOY?: Really. Hows that?
FIRST BOY: It runs in your genes!