Sign Jokes / Recent Jokes

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men says, "We are all berry hungry."

The waitress says, "So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other businessmen replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty



Company more...

The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a 'Contract' for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a third grader who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought three books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.
Before the librarian could even start her speech, he said scornfully, "The other librarian we had knew how to write."

Kurt and Megan (a blonde) were bored in math class and one day when they decided to play "The Calculator Game". I'm sure many people reading this remember it - it's the one where you enter "1 + 1 =" into your calculator and continue pressing the "=" sign. The goal is to see who can get to the highest number while the math teacher is talking. Bring back any memories? Anyways, Kurt and Megan waited until the teacher started talking, and the contest was on! Fingers were pushing the "=" sign like mad. A hour and a half later, Kurt and Megan compared results. Kurt showed his number: 5,318,008. Megan said, "I don't get it. I was feeling so clever and I thought I'd play a trick on you, but I'm still at 1!!!"
"Well, what trick did you play?" Said Kurt.
Megan said, "I know that multiplication makes numbers bigger than addition does, so instead of pushing 1 + 1 =, =, =, =,..., I pushed 1 x 1 = = = = =..."

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. more...

Best read with a Japanese accent: Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard, pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You sign, you sign!" The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams the door. The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You sign, you sign!" Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person." Puzzled, the Japanese man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Maindealer?"