Silently Jokes

Two men are at work talking about how they deal with their wives when they go for a late night on the town with 'the guys'.
The first one says, "It doesn't matter what I try, my wife always 'busts me' and gives me hell. Sometimes, I'lll turn off the engine to the car a half block away, coast into the driveway so she doesn't hear the engine running, leave the car door slightly open so she doesn't hear the door being closed, tiptoe to the front door, spend a minute unlocking, opening and closing the front door as silently as possible, take off my shoes so she doesn't hear me walking in the house, tiptoe into the bedroom, remove my clothes as silently as possible, then spend a minute getting into bed so the bed doesn't move at all when I lie down next to her, and she always lets out a scream - 'WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN 'TIL TWO IN THE MORNING YOU LOUSY, CHEATING BASTARD?' and continues to nag me for about an hour."
The other guys says, "I use a little different more...

THE COWBOY CODE1. A cowboy removes his hat when entering the presence of a lady, although he may leave it on if she works in a saloon. 2. A cowboy says EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, when leaving a lady's presence. 3. A cowboy says PARDON ME, MA'AM, when bumping into a lady, or treading on her feet. 4. A cowboy never sits, while a lady is standing, unless he feels particularly tired, or his feet hurt. 5. A cowboy allows a lady to go through a doorway, first, especially if he thinks one of his enemies may try to shoot him in a cowardly ambush. She would provide good cover. 6. A cowboy does not spit on the floor, but if he does, he will point it out to the ladies so they will not drag their skirts through it. 7. A cowboy never tracks horse poop into a lady's house. He should leave his boots outside the door, unless his feet stink as bad as the horse poop, in which case, he should just go someplace else. Maybe the saloon, where the stench of horse poop is no worse than the stench of cow poop. 8. A more...

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on an airplane. The lawyer gets bored, so he looks over to the blond and smiles, thinking maybe he can make use of his time. "Hey," he says to the blonde, "Do you want to play a game?" The blonde shakes her head and goes back to her reading.
Five minutes later, the lawyer asks her again. She shakes her head again. When the lawyer asks her for a third time, she is exasperated and finally asks him what the game is just to get this lawyer off her back.
"It's simple. I ask you a question. If you don't know the answer, you give me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll give you five bucks." Seeing the blonde looks skeptical, he smiles, thinking she doesn't look very smart so he'll still make money if he changes things around a little bit. "Fine, how about this - if I get the question you ask me wrong, I pay you a HUNDRED bucks instead." Finally the more...