Single Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: 1) After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
2) A dog only takes a couple of months to train.
Q: What are the three words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex?
A: "Honey! I'm home!"
Q: Why is a man just like a dog?
A: 1) Both have irrational fears of vacuum cleaners.
2) Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
3) Both are suspicious of the postman.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you`ll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When more...

Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee.
They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on.
The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the more...

At a bar in New York the man to the Laloos left tells the bartender, "Johnnie Walker, Single" and the mans companion says, "Jack Daniels, Single".
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, And you sir."
Laloo replies " Laloo Yadav, married"

Because I'm a Guy...

. .. I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

. .. when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

. .. when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

. .. I can be relied upon to purchase more...

What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

There was a lady who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married… and then it was too late! ”

They say that when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who told his love that he would go through hell for him. They got married - and now she is going through HELL!

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating more...

Men`s Guide to Women
* Single women complain that all good men are married,
* All married women complain about their lousy husbands.
Conclusion: There is no such thing as a good man.