Sir Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.' 'Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.''
''One penny?!'' exclaimed the guy. The barman replied,' 'Yes.'' So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,' 'Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?''
''Certainly sir,'' replies the bartender,' 'but all that comes to real money.''' 'How much money?'' inquires the guy.' 'Four cents,'' he replies.
''Four cents?!'' exclaims the guy.' 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'' The barman replies,' 'Upstairs with my wife.'' The guy says,' 'What's he doing with your wife?'' The bartender replies,' 'Same as what I'm doing to his business.''
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.
"? 85 for an extraction, Sir" was the reply.
"Och, huv yer no got nothin' cheaper?" replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, Sir," said the dentist.
"What about if yer didna use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well, it's highly unusual, Sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I could do it for? 70," said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of yer dental trainees and still without anaesthetic?" said the Scotsman.
"Well, it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say? 40," said the dentist.
"Och, that's still a bit much. How about more...
The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning. "Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You more...
A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. He was shown an especially fine one which he liked the look of, but he was puzzled by the two strings which were tied to its feet. "What are they for?" he asked the pet shop manager. "Ah well, sir," came the reply, "that's a very unusual feature of this particular parrot. You see, he's a trained parrot, sir, he used to be in the circus. If you pull the string on his left foot he says' Hello' and if you pull the string on his left foot he says' Goodbye'." "And what happens if you pull both strings at once?" "I fall off my perch, you fool!" screeched the parrot.
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."
"Information. Can I help you?" "I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please." "One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's TheaterGuild." "I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild." "Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*. T-H-E-A-T-E-R!""That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."