Situation Jokes / Recent Jokes

A blonde who's down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighbourhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting his porch painted. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, "Sure anything." "Well, I've been wanting my porch painted, how much would you charge?" the man replies. "I don't know, say $50 bucks." "Sounds good. Go ahead and get started." He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, "Who was at the door?" He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, more...

BURNOUT PREVENTION AND RECOVERY
1. STOP DENYING. Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit
the stresses and pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or
emotionally.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Work until the physical pain forces you into
unconsciousness.
2. AVOID ISOLATION. Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies
with friends and loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but
also is anathema to agitation and depression.
MICROSOFT VIEW: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside
so no-one will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your
productivity.
3. CHANGE YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES. If your job, your relationships, a situation,
or a person is dragging you under, try to alter your circumstances, or if
necessary, leave.
MICROSOFT VIEW: If you feel something is dragging you down, supress
these thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( It's free.)
4. DIMINISH more...

We have all had bad dates, but this takes the cake. This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter, snowing and quite cold; and the guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the more...

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S & M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying, trying to think of how to handle the situation.
Finally her husband came home from work, and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going to handle this situation.
Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

On a farm out in the country, lived a man and a woman and their
three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke. While looking out the window toward the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
The oldest son woke to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he reached the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four
times, he was simply unable to get it up more...

This was on the tonight show with Jay Leno............... Jay went into his audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize.

Marilyn said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold. The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no overnight). The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going. there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or she would go on the front more...

Now here is a situation that only arises in the course of hypothetical debate: which is more appetizing, a lousy meal or lousy sex? Having recently been deep in the midst of both, I would err on the side of the lousy meal.

The lousy meal is the ultimate disappointment for the inner glutton – a long-desired session with Mr. Knife and Ms. Fork becomes an assault on the olfactory passages and/or the taste buds. The frustration becomes universal, since your dining partner and the person who prepared the meal are dragged into the sour mood created by your unhappiness. But, of course, it doesn’t always have to be that way – a healthy variety of sterling lies can be tapped to negate the toxicity of the situation (“I guess I wasn’t that hungry,” “I’m too upset to eat,” “I’m still full from lunch,” etc.). A doggy bag request can help wrap up the problematic meal for burial at a later date and distant location while a digestible alternative is sought out to fill more...