Situation Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?
Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man: OK.
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
Man: That looks worse, got anything left.
The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
Man: Absolutely!
The devil then more...
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got? Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.Man: OK.The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.Man: That looks worse, got anything left.The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day. I'll take this one.Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want? Man: Absolutely! The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as more...
FROM: Human Resources
TO: All staff
RE: Early retirement:
Due to the current financial situation and probable merger, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as Retiring Active Personnel Early (RAPE).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Subsistance Conditions for Retired Early Workers). A person may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Should an employee be refused a SCREW, he can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive more...
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her - how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So more...
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on more...