Slams Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes ashot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day." The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey --throws his glass on the floor and says, "I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet -- then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It's all part of my morning routine." The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says..."I've had enough of you two. I'm going to go home and screw more...

A guy is in the pub toilet having a piss when the door to the bathroom opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a very large penis.
To the man's amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his penis into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams his penis into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams his penis into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The muscular man approaches the scared guy having a piss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes," replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?" the muscular man asks.
"No, I'm afraid I don't," says the first man.
"I'm going to shove it up your arse!" exclaims the muscular more...

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."

Firing Squad
Three criminals were getting set to be executed by a firing squad. They were all tied up to posts,
waiting for the general to give the signal to the soldiers to shoot them.
The general yells, "Ready, aim..."
All of a sudden the first criminal yells, "Tornado!"
The soldiers and general are frightened by the call, running to hide in fear. The criminal unties
himself and escapes.
The soldiers gather themselves for the next execution. the second criminal realizes what the first
criminal has done, so he takes his shot as well.
The general yells, "Ready, aim..."
Then the second criminal yells, "Hurricane!"
Again the general and soldiers run in fright, giving time to the second criminal to escape. The third
criminal understands the trend and attempts the same. The soldiers get ready for the next attempt.
The general yells, "Ready, aim..."
Then the third more...

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee - just for an extra jolt to start off each day. ”
The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey – throws his glass on the floor and says, “I’m the toughest mouse in this city. I’m so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet - then I toss it to the floor, and take the cheese for breakfast. It’s all part of my morning routine. ”
The third mouse looks at the other two. Bored with the conversation, he sets down his glass of beer and says… “I’ve had enough of you two. I’m going to go more...

A man walks into a bar, slams his hand down on the counter and says, "Give me a lady."
The bartender asks, "Do you have experience?"
The man says, " Well, no." So the bartender takes him out back and says, "Practice on this tree for a year and come back to me then."
A year later the man comes back, slams his hand on the counter and says, "Give me a lady. I have experience."
The bartender says, "Alright," and gets him a lady and sends them into the bathroom because all his rooms were full. After about three minutes the bartender hears an awful scream and goes running to the bathroom. The man is shoving a toilet plunger up the girls ass and says, "ME CHECKING FOR BEES!"

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
"Chicken Surprise"...
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron
pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around
before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it
slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order" ??
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise""Ah...so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"