Sleep Jokes / Recent Jokes

An elderly gentleman married a girl in her early twenties. The wedding went fine and they left on their honeymoon.

The elderly gentleman didn't get right with the program, as he was in a bad mood that night. The young wife felt that he was probably tired and let him sleep for a while.

A couple of hours later being excited for having sex, she decided that this had gone on long enough, but wanted not to appear over anxious and let him be the one in charge. She woke the old fellow up.

"What is the matter", he asked. She replied "This side of the bed is too hard, I want to lay on your side." He got up and walked around the bed, got in on her side and went to sleep.

A few minutes later she was starting to really want to consummate things. She awoke him again. "What now?" He asked. She said, "You know I think I was wrong, maybe that side is more comfortable let me lie on that side." Again he got up walked more...

A RABBI AND A PRIEST GET TO A HOTEL AT THE SAME TIME.THERE IS ONLY ONE ROOM AVAILABLE SO THEY DECIDE TO SHARE THE ROOM .THE RABBI CHOOSES A BED, SAYS KRYIAT SHEMAH AND GOES TO SLEEP.THE PRIEST SAYS I SLEEP WITH JOHN AND MARY AND ALL THE SAINTS AND GOES TO SLEEP.IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT THE PRIEST FALLS OFF HIS BED.THE NEXT MORNING THE PRIEST ASKS THE RABBI HOW DID YOU KNOW WHAT BED TO PICK? THE RABBI ANSWERS THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR BED MY FRIEND, YOU JUST SLEEPING WITH TOO MANY PEOPLE.

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the more...

10. They can't garnish what you don't make.
9. Your life no longer compares to those annoying Dilbert cartoons.
8. Chance to meet exotic male dancers in unemployment line (and do the Full Monte)
7. Sleep all night... Sleep all day!
6. Much like a Carnival cruise, every day is a holiday!
5. If you push its buttons the wrong way, the remote won't cry sexual harassment.
4. Underwear and a pair of Birkenstocks becomes your "Professional Attire".
3. Re-runs of Chips only shown during regular working hours.
2. It really pisses off the in-laws.
1. The only glass ceiling she'll be complaining about is the mirror over your bed!

A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
A beer doesn't care if you go shopping.
A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits
A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
If a beer had a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
A beer doesn't sulk.
A beer doesn't have to sleep wiht the windows open.
A beer doesn't snore.
A beer can't interrupt.
A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburetor.
A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
A good beer is easy to find.
A beer doesn't have friends who will drink your beer.
A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
A beer won't get jealous if you enjoy another beer.
A beer won't care if you gain five pounds.
A beer doesn't want children.
If the beer is finished before you are, you can have more...

"The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons." "Born Free... Taxed to Death" "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides." "REHAB is for quitters" "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!" "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her more...

A police chief, a fire chief and a city manager were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city. Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.

The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds, and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals. After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.

Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse. The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep. There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig. The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.

A short time later, another knock was heard at the door. The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's cow more...