Sleep Jokes / Recent Jokes

A newlywed couple returned from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they had rented from the groom's parents.
That night, the groom's mother woke her husband up. "Honey, listen!" she whispered. He listened and could hear the bed upstairs creaking in rhythm.
"Come on, honey! Let's make love," she said. So, he climbed on top of his wife and the two of them made love.
Just as he was trying to fall back to sleep, the bed upstairs began to creak in rhythm again. "Come on, honey!" his wife said. "Let's make love again."
Once again, he climbed on top of his wife and made love to her as hard as he could.
As he was trying to fall back to sleep about 15 minutes later, again the bed upstairs began to creak in rhythm. "Come on, honey!" urged his wife. "Let's do it again!"
He grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he yelled, "Kids! Please! Cut it out! You're killing your old man down more...

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack." You answer the door before people knock. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House." You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to more...

A litte boys goes to his father and asks him the difference between hypothetical and a fact.
His father tells him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.
The boy asks his mother and she replies "Hell yeah."
He tells his father what she says and then his father tells him to go ask his sister if she would sleep with the principal for a million dollars.
He asks and his sister replies "Yes."
He again tells his father what the answer was. The little boy asks "So what's the difference?"
The father replied "Hypothetically we're rich, the fact is we're just living with a couple of whores."

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet street he chose happened to be one of the city's most popular jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "7:15." The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"7:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid more...

The 5 toughest questions that women ask men, and the answers... The questions are: 1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i. e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Baseball. b. Football. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you. e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. more...

Dog Rules...1. The dog is not allowed in the house.2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection,
Agnes
December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist. .. you're just too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 17th
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden more...