Smoke Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."

The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?"

And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here and you can't use them here."

Rules to live by for computer users from the Tech Support Department:
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for us to remember 3,000 screen saver passwords.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
Don't put your phone extension in your e-mails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.
When I.T. support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the public more...

A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day's fishing.

After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won't allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks' Can I have one of those cigarettes?'

Grandpa, knowing he shouldn't encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt' no' asks' Does your dick reach your ass?'. The boy replies' No, it doesn't'.' Then,' said grandpa,' you aren't old enough to smoke.'

Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig.' Does your dick reach your ass?' asks the old man.' No, replies the boy.'' Then you're not big enough to touch beer,' comes the reply.

By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to more...

A woman who ignored doctors and had a fly puff in a hospital ward while visiting a sick friend fell out of a window.
German Inge Brunner lost her balance while puffing out of the window and plunged 65 feet.
But she escaped serious injury after an ash tree (Ash tree? How very apropos... MM) broke her fall.
The 25-year-old was able to walk back inside the hospital (VERY convenient place to fall off a window...) in Tuebingen where she was treated for cuts and bruises.
Afterwards she vowed: "I'm going to give up smoking straight away. I had asked the doctors if I could smoke inside and they said no as it was bad for my health.
"I ignored them and decided to smoke out the window so no one would know, but lost my balance.
"But I have learned my lesson. No more cigarettes for me."
(Source: Daily Record and Sunday Mail, Wednesday, 7/18/01)

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You're already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: more...

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."

The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."