Smoke Jokes / Recent Jokes

While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the more...

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide
celebration

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide
celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in
evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of
domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from
the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our
anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of
St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations
of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My
conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head more...

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Cant you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We dont worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this: * Warning: These cigarettes are king size - how about you? * Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller. * Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. * Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon. * Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not. * Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children - That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any. * Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff - so do you. * Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before? * Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub. * Warning: Don't throw lit more...

This quiz has been around for ages. Remember the answers?

1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried?

2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark?

3. How many months have 28 days?

4. How far can a bear walk into the woods?

5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.?

6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have?

7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear?

8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof, will the egg roll to the left side or to the right side?

9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow?

10. On which side of a chicken are the most more...

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment."
Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this:
* Warning!: These cigarettes are king size - how about you?
* Warning!: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.
* Warning!: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.
* Warning!: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.
* Warning!: Smoke rises, but you may not.
* Warning!: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children - That is... if you're capable of conceiving any.
* Warning!: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff - so do you.
* Warning!: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before?
* Warning!: The only thing left after a more...