Smoking Jokes / Recent Jokes

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

A guy's walking down the street and sees Dirty
Johnny
smoking a cigarette. He says, "Kid, you're too
young to smoke."
Johnny looks up and doesn't say anything. The guy
says,
"How old are you?"
Johnny says, "Six."
The guy says, "Six? When did you start smoking?"
Johnny
says, "Right after the first time I got laid."
The guy says, "Right after the first time you got
laid?
When was that?"
Johnny says, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. — Fletcher Knebel

Dear Santa,
We're worried about you. From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts.
The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Illinois. Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have "a clear-cut case of rosacea," a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your "cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry."
Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion... all things you may encounter this time of year.
The one bright note in Dr. Litt's message is that more...

Recent Canadian government research has shown that cigarette smoking not only impairs sexual ability, it actually causes shrinkage of the male sexual "equipment." Wow! If that is true, we need to get the word out ASAP! Maybe the warning on the cigarette packs should be updated to reflect this new information. How about something like this: * Warning: These cigarettes are king size -- how about you? * Warning: Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller. * Warning: If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you. * Warning: Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon. * Warning: Smoke rises, but you may not. * Warning: Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- That is.. if you're capable of conceiving any. * Warning: Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you. * Warning: How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards, if there's no before? * Warning: The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub. * Warning: Don't throw more...

Chat between Non smoker & Smoker.
Non Smoker: How many Cigas you smoke per day?
Smoker: One Packet.
Non smoker calculating money spending for smoking..
Non Smoker: Do you now that, from the money that you are spending for smoking for 7 years
can be use to buy your own house?
Smoker: Do you Smoke?
Non smoker: No.
Smoker: Do you have your own house? ???..

Cigarette commericials use cartoon characters to get people to start smoking. Where are the anti-smoking characters? I want to see someone out there saying, "I started smoking because of Joe Camel, but I quit because of Puff the Magic Dragon. It was a real eye-opener seeing him breathe fire through a hole in his throat."