Sofa Jokes / Recent Jokes

In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human’s homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom’s toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat’s vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human’s full bladder at 5: 30 A. M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human’s leg, my human’s boss’s leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human’s more...

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken? Because theyre both full of stuffing!

One day a man was sitting on his sofa at home when he heard a knock at the door. He got up to see who it was but when he opened the door no one was there. Just as he was about to sit down he heard the knock again but when he got there again, there was no one at the door.
He scratched his head, looked around for a second and looked down to see a tiny snail on the porch.
He picked up the snail, threw it into a field across the street and headed back inside to watch television again.
Three Years Later
The same man is sitting on his sofa watching TV and hears a knock at the door. He gets up and goes to see who's there and there is no one.
He looks around for a second and just as he is about to close the door, he looks down and sees the snail who looks back up and says "What the Hell was that all about!!?".

1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.


2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.


4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws more...

A guy was having trouble with his cat.
his cat would always scratch the sofa but never the scratching post.
one day the guy got an idea.so he bought a new couch and replaced the scratching post with the old couch hoping this would solve his problem.
But his cat just began scratching the new sofa.
Then another idea hit him.So he got some clay and got to work.
scratching post-$57
New sofa-$299
clay-$9
understanding your cat likes to scratch your face more than he likes to scratch the couch-priceless

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth more...

An elderly woman entered a major furniture store and was greeted by a salesman who was considerably younger.
"Is there something in particular that you're looking for?" he asked.
"Yes," the old woman replied. "I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You must mean a sectional sofa," he said.
"Sectional schmectional," she said with a shrug. "All I want is an occasional piece in my living room!"