Sofa Jokes / Recent Jokes

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed. Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra. As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom." more...

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old
in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag,
"The Cambridge Distorter," told a photographer to get over there
and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear
quite well.

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one
said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to
each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said
the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S more...

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the
sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering
the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or
after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
"Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not
food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell
them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the more...

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the. 75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and more...

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
"Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am more...