Sofa Jokes / Recent Jokes

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play more...

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on,
but each night she is disappointed.
Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.
As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the more...

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are, "Right woman, get upstairs - into the more...

Our young daughter had adopted a wandering cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post.

"Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for a number of days as my husband tolerantly "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat smashed, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned immediately. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Three Labrador Retrievers, a chocolate, a yellow and a black, were sitting next to each other in the waiting room at the vet's office.
The black Lab turned to the yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"Well, I'm a pisser," the yellow Lab replied. "I pee on everything. The bed, the sofa, the carpet."
"So, what are they going to do to you?" asked the black Lab.
"They're going to put me on Prozac. My master heard it's a miracle drug that supposed to cure everything," explained the yellow Lab.
The black Lab thought about this for a few moments, then turned to the chocolate Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a digger," replied the chocolate Lab. "I dig into everything. The flower beds, the lawn, even the cushions on the chairs and the sofa."
"What are they going to do to stop you from digging?" inquired the black Lab.
"They're going to put me on Prozac. more...

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play more...

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for 2 in your favourite restaurant
Marriage is a Chinese take-out
Love is cuddling on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa
Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children
Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early
Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac drive
Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure
Love is sweet nothing in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank
Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television
Love is 1 drink and 2 straws
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!