"Things I Must Remember As A Dog" joke

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the
sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering
the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or
after they throw it up.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
I will not throw up in the car.
"Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not
food.
I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell
them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red
ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I
hear one on TV.
I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over
the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's
laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in
for mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when
he's on the toilet.