Soft Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who’s used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively irritated.
You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust. The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood, which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten-foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other. This is important. You need this so more...

I Am Glad I Picked You

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.

Willingly, you came with me to my home.
From the car, I carried you & threw the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body,
your well shaped legs,and breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tighly,
fitting you like a glove.
Exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms,
to the warm water that awaits.

The water cascades down your neck,
flowing over your soft breasts then,
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.

My hands rub your body, ummmm
running them threw the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside more...

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want more...

One day a boy asks his dad,
what is the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
Dad thought for a minute and said come with me.
He took his son to his mothers bedroom, where she was sleeping nude.
Son he whispered, see that black soft furry patch, that is a pussy.
The boy asked,
may I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?
No replied his father,
that might wake the cunt up.

Sam and Abe, in their late seventies, first met years ago in the second grade. Their relationship now is mostly playing cards, telling jokes and making bets.
Sam calls Abe and says, "I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!" Abe says, "How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you..."
Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard,...a thousand dollars,...yes or no!!"
Abe says, "Okay, okay, I'll take your bet! How long is yours soft?" Sam says, "Eleven years!"

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the more...

After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in
the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her. Adam began to
ask
questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want
to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you