Something Jokes / Recent Jokes

Women get a diamond ring when they get engaged. What do we get? A lousy blowjob. We spend $5,000 on a ring and that's it? Do you know how many blowjobs you can get for five grand? May I add that none would be lousy.
Well, if a woman gets an engagement ring, why don't we get something in return? (Women always say,"You get me!" Well I've had you!) I need something else, like maybe an engagement flatscreen, plasma T.V. We can both enjoy the plasma T.V. We both can't enjoy your diamond ring. And when we have kids we can enjoy it as a family.
Now, that's an engagement present that makes sense. And when the kids are off to school and you're off to work, I can continue to enjoy my engagement present and watch porn in HDTV!

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

Housework is something you do that nobody notices until you don't do it.

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $
139.
95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with more...

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.
(Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)
From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW"
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
Problem: more...

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up - put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine - really.
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. 'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you more...

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her "go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?" The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.
The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, "I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!" The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says, "Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?"
The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says, "That's easy! It's M!"