Sometimes Jokes / Recent Jokes

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.You have enough clothes.You have too many shoes.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes."Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. more...

1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
9) They keep telling us to get more...

Easy code system to communicate with other cat owners and with the animal clinic.
Sex:
XFemale, spayed, no interest.
X+Female, spayed, but still interested.
X++Female, intact, but not particularly excitable.
X+++I am a kitten factory.
YMale, neutered, no interest.
Y+Male, neutered, but still interested.
Y++Male, intact, but not particularly excitable.
Y+++I would go through a burning building to get at a female in heat.
Size ("largeness"):
L-I fit easily into your shirt pocket.
L-I can curl up in two cupped hands.
L-I'm somewhere between kitten-sized and average.
LI'm average cat size, just right for your lap.
L+I'm starting to slip off the side of your lap.
L++I'm large enough to make a German Shepherd think twice.
L+++People sometimes mistake me for a mountain lion.
Weight:
W-I'm so thin that you can count my bones.
W-I'm slim, but healthy.
WI'm an average cat, not too thin and not too more...

Rules that guys wished girls knew...
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. more...

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait! Not me! You.

Rules that guys wished girls knew... 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to seeif he can find the perfect present! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are preparedto discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and monster trucks.8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like ever other cat.9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of thetides. Let it be.11. Shopping is not a sport.12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.13. You have enough clothes.14. You have too many shoes.15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.16. Your more...

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3. 1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you more...