Somewhat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself' She'll never go for me carrying on like that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He' putted' down one hill and' putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived more...

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student. "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment." He goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know. .. mat h always was a little hard to swallow."

-The nice men are ugly.
-The handsome men are not nice.
-The handsome and nice man are gay.
-The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
-The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
-The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
-The handsome men without money are after our money.
-The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexeual don't think we are beautiful enough.
-The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexuel, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
-The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexuel are shy and never make the first move!!
-The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN??!!

A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass." The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!"

The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are
cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual are
shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest on us when we take the
initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start more...

At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another more...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but unfortunately, they had
always had a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively effect on
him. Then, one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it
became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself,
"She is such a sweet and gentle girl, she would never go for this
carrying on." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
beans.
Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
he would be late because he would have to walk home. On his way,
he passed a little diner and the odor of baked beans was more
than he could stand. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he could walk off any ill effects by the time he got
home. So, he stopped at the diner. Before he knew it, he had
consumed three large helpings more...