Sorry Jokes / Recent Jokes

Steven Spielberg was filming his latest movie deep in the heart of the Amazon rain forest. The costs involved in transporting the multitude of movie making equipment to the site were immense. On top of that, he had a cast of thousands to feed and clothe. It was his most expensive production yet and he sank his entire personal fortune into the project.
The biggest expense was building an exact replica of an Ancient city in the middle of the jungle. No expense was spared to make the city authentic.
The climax of the movie was to be the complete destruction of the city in a dramatic fire. Since Spielberg planned to actually burn the city to the ground, there was only one chance to film it. He set up four cameras:
"Camera one, I want you up in the helicopter to get an overhead shot of the whole scene."
"Yes, boss."
"Camera two, I want you at the edge of the clearing for a medium range shot."
"Yes, boss."
"Camera more...

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you`re drunk. I`m going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I`m a severe asthmatic, and I don`t have my inhaler with me... if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah... well, this is more invasive, but if you won`t submit to a breathalyzer, I`m going to have to take you down to the station and take some blood sample"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I`m a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can`t give blood... I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I`m going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I`m sorry officer, I can`t do that, I`m drunk."

One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $80, 000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas!"
Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time."
Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving.
Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were' pulling out,' and mommy said that' you should wait because she was coming, too....'
"And I'll be DAMNED if I'm gonna get stuck with your $80, 000 mortgage!"

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says,' 'Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars.''
The bear replies,' 'If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there.''
The bartender says,' 'Go ahead.''
So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says,' 'Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs.''
''What do mean,'' says the bear.' 'I'm not on drugs.''
''Yes, you are, that was the barbituate.''

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it more...

Two rednecks pull in at a gas station to fill up their truck and notice a sign that reads, "Enter here for a chance at free sex." They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant tells them that they have to guess a number between one and ten.
The first redneck guesses three. The attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is seven."
The second redneck guesses six and the attendant says, "Sorry, but the number is four."
As the two of them are driving away, one turns to the other and says, "You know, I think that contest was rigged."
"Naw, it's on the up and up," the other one replies. "My wife won three times last week."

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?""Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?""Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"The manager shrugs, "Sorry.""Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman."Nope. Don't have that.""Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stupid store!"The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."