Sound Jokes / Recent Jokes
How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
1. Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
2. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes!
You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
This woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from excessive farting, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it. So the Doctor took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while.
At the end, the woman says, "You see, Doctor, while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell."
At this point, the Doctor scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?"
"No", replied the Doctor, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid; come in next week, and we will operate on your nose."
Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)
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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink more...
This woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she sufferred from
excessive farting, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done
nothing about it. So the Doctor took down all of her medical history, a process
that took quite a while.
At the end, the woman says, "You see, Doctor, while I've been sitting here
talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell."
At this point, the Doctor scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and
handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?"
"No", replied the Doctor, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid; come in
next week, and we will operate on your nose."
Q: How many Sound Recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: WHAT?
How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)
How do you tell a Canadian from an American?
It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he`d say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it`s starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.
Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.
Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations more...