Space Jokes / Recent Jokes

Teacher-Which Was The First Thing To Land On Moon?

Kid-The Wheels Of The Space Ship

My brother used to be a police officer in Chicago. (He's now a rather
high-up muckity-muck in the police dept., but that's beside the point.)
He's told me some amusing anecdotes from Chicago police-work.
There was one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space
in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago
police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a
nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to
shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can
park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.
When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some
_other_ car. He is, well, upset.
What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the
windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved,
however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath
in somewhat more more...

Continuing Education Courses For Women
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.
4. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
5. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
6. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
7. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
8. Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You...
9. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.
14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
15. Introduction to Parking.
16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A more...

Are your pants from outer space? 'cause your butt is out of this world.

When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.
Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.
Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell obscenities loudly and chase him back upon the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.

Top Ten Changes at NASA to Accommodate 76-Year-Old John Glenn's Return to Space Aboard the Shuttle Discovery:
All important devices now operated by the Clapper.
Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
Shuffle board installed in cargo bay.
"Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria included on menu.
One monitor specifically designated for Matlock.
Little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship.
Top speed of shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
Installed a new bifocal windshield.
Space pants now go up to armpits.
Left-blinker left on for entire mission.

I've got pneumonia and arthritis,
asthma, diverticulitis,
measles, mumps and whooping cough,
kidney stones, my liver's soft,
trichinosis and thrombosis,
not to mention some neurosis,

headaches and post-nasal drip,
I fell down stairs and broke my hip,
ingrown toenail and the gout,
ran with scissors, poked an eye out,
acid reflux, fallen arches,
doctor says to eat no starches,
glass eye with astigmatism,
can't go dancing – got no rhythm,
anaphylaxis, splitting migraines,
sympathetic labor pains...

... but other than that, I can't complain. How are you?