Speaker Jokes / Recent Jokes
At an international women's conference the topic for discussion was: How to empower women in the home.
The first speaker was the British representative. She stood up and said, "I decided to make a stand against my husband's oppression and so I told him that I would no longer be doing the washing. After the first day I saw no result; after the second day I saw nothing; but after the third day he did his own washing."
The delegates applauded this brave stand for women's rights.
The second speaker was from America. She stood up and said, "I told my husband that I was no longer prepared to cook for him as it was a form of enslavement. After the first day I saw no result, after the second day I saw no result; but after the third day he cooked a meal for the both of us."
Again the conference applauded.
Next came the Australian delegate. She said, "I told my husband that I would no longer be doing the shopping. After the first day I saw nothing, more...
The South Takes a Cue from Oakland Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California andMassachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:Can I help you? Kin ah hip ewe? Hi, I'm Don Fowler.Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.The discerning English speaker more...
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address.After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."The man replied, more...
Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective!" Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)
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I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete more...
Colin's True Stories
I was going for a walk tonight at a local park that shall remain nameless. The local community had turned out candles in hand to take part in a memorial consisting of singers and speakers to comment upon the events of 9/11. As I walked the perimeter of the park I seen people from all walks of life pay their respects in many ways varying from utmost sincerity and deep routed sadness to joking around with the Ice-cream Salesman. I stopped on a small hill and looked down upon a sea of lights as the locals swayed their candles side to side to the singers finishing tune. Another speaker was invited up to talk to the crowd. Not being an American I was very interested in the whole event. The speaker turned to the crowd and said "We have all being effected by what happened here Five years ago today, a date that will live on, September 9th.....!!!...uuurgh, excuse me..I mean September 11th...."
I never seen a swaying sea of lights grind to a halt before. more...
Attempt to take the order-takers order.
("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
Order confusing items, i.e.,
"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please".
When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and more...
Attempt to take the order-takers order.("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.Order confusing items, i.e.,"Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and asmall medium fries, please".When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.If you more...