Species Jokes / Recent Jokes
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
M&M's: The Theory of EvolutionWhenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of more...
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of
3. 5 children per household, that's
91. 8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822. 6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of more...
Christmas Physics - The Physics of Christmas and Santa ClausAfter many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3. 5 children per household, that’s 91. 8 million more...
Scientists in New Guinea have discovered a new species of giant rat.The creature, a ruthless predator, is believed to have migrated from Palm Beach and Manhattan’s Upper East Side, and has been registered underthe nomenclature Bernius Madoffius.
New Walking Shark and Other Species Highlight Gaps in Ocean Knowledge
Sept. 17, 2006 - Two recent expeditions off the coast of Indonesia have revealed a remarkable "lost world" of marine species that researchers believe are new to science, including a shark that "walks" on its fins. Scientist are also reporting that a pig has flown and a cow jumped over the moon.
A zoo acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, which was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What was he to do? There were no males of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Joe, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Joe, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Maybe they could entice Joe to satisfy the female gorilla.
They approached Joe with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla - for five hundred bucks?
Joe said that he might be interested, but he would have to think the matter over first. The following day, Joe announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss more...