Species Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman took her 6-year-old daughter to pick out some fish at the pet store. While there, they walked past the caged cats, and little Emily got curious.
"Mommy, mommy! I wanna look at the kitties."
So they went over to them. Little Emily looked at each pair of cats in each cage, they were set up into pairs of cat species that got along with each other. Little Emily pointed at each cage and asked her mom what the name of each species was.
"Mommy, what's that?" she asked.
"Why, that's a Himalayan."
"What about THAT one?"
"That's a Persian."
And so it went on. When she reached the last cage, little Emily noticed that one of the cats was on top of each other. Pointing to the one on top, she asked "Mommy, what's that one?"
"A Tabby,"
"What are they doing?"
After thinking for a second, the mother said, "Well, they're mating."
A week later, little Emily's more...

Coca-cola was originally green.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
Dumbest dog: Afghan
Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
Average number of days a more...

What's the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine, the society matron asked the zookeeper."The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick."This, as you might assume, distressed the matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager's office. The zoo manager said, "Ma'am, I apologize for my staff's unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is the North American species has a longer *quill*. In fact, their pricks are just about the same size."

This story is an old one, popular with zoo veterinarians (I'm told).
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was
in heat. What what to do? There was no male of this species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike,
a JEDR responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was
rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very
bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla. So he was
approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla-
for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but
would have to think the matter over.
The following day, Mike announced that he would more...

"I`ll Turn Stingray From Dangerous Species to Endangered Species"

The burial will involve a small church service attended mostly by workers from the local Khaki Pants factory. Then Arnold Schwarzenegger will turn his minigun on the ocean for an hour and forty five minutes

The problem with Santa!
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of
3.5 children per household, that's
91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a more...

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said, more...