Specimen Jokes / Recent Jokes

Element: WomanSymbol: WoAtomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175. Discoverer: AdamOccurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties: a) Surface usually covered with painted film. b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. c) Melts if given special treatment. d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties: a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses: more...

WORKPLACE HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMAN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: Woman

SYMBOL: WO2

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lb. but known to vary from 100 to 550 lb.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

Surface usually covered with painted film.

Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

Melts if given special treatment.

Bitter if incorrectly used.

Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.

Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

May explode spontaneously if left alone with a male.

Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly more...

A couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls.
The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."
The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!"
The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: "Sure, more...

...probably one of the best...
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
be the "Malibu Barbie." It is evident that you have given a great
deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with more...