Speech Jokes / Recent Jokes

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."

A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.
While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.
She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th."
Once more...

Background: The Vice-President of the Philippines, Joseph Estrada ('Erap' for short), has a reputation for being...err... how shall I put it? Well... STUPID! Much like Dan Quayle's reputation, I believe. The bad part is 'Erap' was elected into office. Here's a sample Erap joke.
Vice-President Joseph 'Erap' Estrada was invited to speak before an annual gathering of the Philippine Olympic Committee. Having no speech prepared for the event, he asked his aide to prepare one for him. Without reading it beforehand, he goes to the podium with his speech in hand and addresses the audience:
"Good evening", he pauses for a while, staring at his speech with a bewildered face.
"Ooouu... uuuoooO... ahem... ahem... OwwoooOwowwooh... Ohh... Ohhh... oooouuooouooo...", he struggles at his speech as his aide rushes to his side on stage.
"I'm having trouble reading this part", Erap whispers to him.
His aide looks at the speech for a moment then whispers more...

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai.
He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the school assembly on Independence Day.
Here's his dynamite speech:
Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon.
Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on stationmaster. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the stationmaster because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leadersz linke Gundhiji who get-outted more...

Pundits and politicos on Sunday's talk shows were crying foul over President Hugo Chavez's speech at the U.N. Liberals said, "He can't call the President a devil, only we can do that."
Republicans called the speech more of a roast than anything diplomatic. If it were a roast, Chavez would have picked on others in the goverment.
"Enough about the devil... er, I mean Bush. You must forgive me my English is no good. How do you say, douchebag. I kidding."
"Dick Cheney is here. The only reason why Dick Cheney is against gay marriage, is because he's too cheap to pay for his daughter's wedding. But seriously, Cheney would love for his daughter to have a wedding, just as long as Haliburton can cater it. I kidding."
"John Bolton, U.N. Ambassador is here. John what is that on your upper lip, it looks like two caterpillars humping. Seriously, it looks like you're going down on the Shaggy D.A. I kidding."

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if more...