Speech Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell Bibles, so the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. He was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment, but hired him anyway.
So after the first days of work, they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the second boy and asked him the same thing.
The boy said, "75."
"That's good," the preacher replied. He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impediment said, "I-I-I s-s-sold 175."
The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how he managed to sell all those Bibles.
He said, "I-I-I t-t-t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-t-t-them or I will r-r-read it more...

Nearly everything has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. We still see the original words when we read those first 10 Amendments to the Constitution, yet the meaning is vastly different now.

And no wonder. We`ve gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation`s desire to band together was replaced by revulsion of togetherness. We exchanged a birthright of justice for a magic bullet, and replaced the Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer Stereo.

We`re not the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should reflect this. As we approach the 21st Century, it`s time to bring the wording up to date showing what we are and who we are.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible more...

There's a guy with a speech impediment who goes out to run some errands one day. First he goes to a candy store. He walks up to the clerk and says, "I'd like this bum."
The clerk says, "You mean the gum?"
The guy answers, "That's what I said - bum."
So he gets the gum and goes on to the hardware store. He finds an employee and says, "I'd like to have the fucket on that shelf."
The employee asks, "You mean the bucket?"
The guy says, "That's what I said - fucket."
So the man starts walking home with his gum and his bucket and he walks by the pet store. In the window of the pet store is the cutest cocker spaniel puppy he's ever seen. He walks inside and says to the lady at the counter, "I'd like that cock-and-spank-it in the window."
The lady says, "You mean the cocker spaniel?"
The guy says, "That's what I said - cock-and-spank-it."
The lady gives him the dog on more...

I was able to get my hands on George Bush’s farewell speech, which he will give on his last day in office. It goes like this:
“My fellow Americans.
My bad.
Good luck everybody!”

The five rules of Socialism:
1. Don't think
2. If you do think, don't speak
3. If you think and speak, don't write
4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign
5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised
How does the Soviet Constitution differ from the American?
Under the Soviet Constitution citizens are guaranteed
freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are
guaranteed freedom after speech.
Why is Poland just like the United States?
In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you
want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
Henry Cate III

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in
Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the
practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on
Independence Day.

Here's his dynamite speech:

Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Childrens

"This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my
speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school
more fastly, but for the following reason.

Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre
compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on
station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also
rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great
difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the
station
master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We more...

George W. Bush visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra..."