Speech Jokes / Recent Jokes
Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:
"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
One village man had a daughter. He was a very rich person but unfortunately not much educated. Finally he found a suitable partner for his daughter and agreed to give a big dowry for his future son-in-law. He was also from a rich family and well educated and speaking english.
On the wedding day brides father wanted to make a speech in English to show his proudness to his new relatives, so he invited to his friend to make a speech during the lunch.
His friend was a retired police sergent, he doesn't know any english but he was pretending. There was nothing to do anyway he made a speech in English. After his speech all (new relatives) began to run. This was the speech,
" Ladies and gentlemen, you are committing act of violence to private and public property. If you do not stop this I compell to order open fire, thank you"
This is what he was learned in police school.
There was a little old man who had a bit of a speech impediment. One day he went shopping, his first stop was at a hardware store. He went up to the shop assistant and asked "Could I have a fucketplease?" The assistant asked"Pardon sir?". " Can I have a fucket please?" Replied the man. "Oh you mean a bucket!" The shop assistant replied. The old man said "Yes, that's what I said". So the man paid for hisbucket and went into the antique shop. In the antique shop he went to the cashier and asked -"Can I have a cock please?" The cashier looked very puzzled and asked "Pardon?". The man again asked "Can I have a cock please?" The cashier replied "Oh you mean a clock! - yes certainly sir." So he paid for the clock and walked out of the shop. The next stop was to the bakers. He went to the assistant andasked "Can I have a bum please?" The assistant said "Sorry sir what did you say?". more...
A minister gave a talk on sex to the Lion's Club.
When he got home, he didn't feel comfortable telling his wife that he had spoken on sex, so he told her he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, his wife ran into some of the members at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had given.
"Yes, I heard," she said. "I was a little surprised about the subject matter, since he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off!"
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the Woman held a very touching speech.
She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...
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A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"