Speech Jokes / Recent Jokes
AWARDS SHOW Hollywood's only way of getting a bunch of high-profile names into a cheap low-budget production.
HOST A person who can deliver a line. . . only if it's written by someone else. . . as long as it's written on a teleprompter.
TROPHY Symbolically, an achievement of excellence to an outstanding individual; functionally, a paperweight.
ACCEPTANCE SPEECH Here are the different types of acceptance speeches:
1. Yellow Pages Speech - The winner, who carries his speech in a briefcase, thanks everyone he has ever met, but gets booted off stage before getting through the "R" section.
2. The Sermon - Suddenly, the winner becomes spiritually enlightened and decides to spread the word of God. By the end of it, you think he's going to give you a toll-free number where you can call-in your donations.
3. Gettysburg Address - Winner talks about a political problem occurring in a country that he couldn't find on a map.
Q: How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
A: 220! One to write a speech about how good it will be when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech about why the other candidates can't even spell "lightbulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates did when the lightbulb failed, and another two hundred to find out what the other candidate's families think about lightbulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general, any form of energy.
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.
5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.
6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic more...
1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing."2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake 4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV. 6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions more...
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
When he realizes he's been talking for so long, he gets very flustered, and continues for another hour.
Finally, he manages to regain his composure. Feeling certain he's bored or upset, and lost, most of the audience, he says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
From the back of the room comes a voice. "There's a calendar on the wall right behind you!"
A sardarji was working as editor in a daily newspaper. Once he was traveling to bombay to deliver a speech about railway department
Improvements. His coach was the last coach in the train. The train was moving very fast and so sardarji's coach was jerking heavily. This made
Him not to prepare for the speech.
Annoyed by the event, next day in the meeting, his first point
Towards improvement of railway department was
""there should not be last coach in any train.""