Speeding Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Um, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

The College Food Chain:
The Dean
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive. Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
The Department Head
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Talks with God.
Professor
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if a special request is honored.
Associate Professor
Barely clears a Quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
Assistant Professor
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings. Is run over by locomotives. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Treads water. Talks to more...

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Maam did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman Ive ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".

One sunny day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a red Mitsubishi 3000GT for speeding. He walked up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. Immediately, he was stunned by just how beautiful she was! Probably the most beautiful blonde he'd ever laid eyes on. I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am... could I see your drivers license
and registration please." "...What's a license...???" replied the blonde. Big blue eyes sweetly looking up at him. "Your drivers license is generally in a wallet", replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?.." asked the cop. "Registration?... What's that....?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop patiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "Thank you Ma'am. I'll be back in a minute..." said the cop and walked back to his patrol more...

body: A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want."
She drove out, amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson." The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the Road Again."
The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it. Suddenly, at a traffic light, her light turned green and she pulled out.
Off to her right, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a small sport utility vehicle speeding toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a head-on collision. "ASSHOLE," she muttered.
And, from the radio... "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United more...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that more...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, may I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is more...