Speeding Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

Here are the Top 15 excuses for if you are pulled over by a police officer for speeding, running a red light, etc.
15.) Sorry, I slipped on a banana peel...
14.) Oooohh, you're a policeman? I thought you were just another speeder! I was trying to get away so you wouldn't hit me!
13.) I'm sorry officer but Dunkin Donuts is right ahead, not here.
12.) I'm sorry officer, but I already have a date.
11.) (For Americans caught speeding in Canada...), say, "What's a kilometer?"
10.) "So THAT'S what those signs are for!"
9.) I'm sorry I was speeding officer, but I have diarrhea.
8.) If I was speeding, you were probably speeding to catch me, so how about we forget about the whole thing?
7.) Sorry officer, I was trying to kill a bug under my gas pedal.
6.) I'm sorry officer. I just got breast implants, and when I wear a seatbelt, it hurts!
5.) My wife is pregnant, I'm trying to get to the hospital A.S.A.P.! (great for speeding more...

63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop
1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol? ”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to more...

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman said, "May I see your license?" The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave him her license.

The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and had the worst sex I have ever had." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"

Two Antartians were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked Bob, who was at the wheel, "any cops following us?"
Henry, his passenger, turned around and had a long look at the road behind them.
"Yeah, looks like it," he responded.
"Are his flashers on?" asked Bob.
Henry turned around again...
"Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the cop said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The cop then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the cop her license.
"I see, you are from Hoshairpur!," the cop said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to more...