Spray Jokes / Recent Jokes

Martha Stewart vs Me...Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and more...

1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
6. The glass in windows - even double pane - cannot stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A young child can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Small Legos will successfully pass through the digestive tract more...

High School Math Exam
Name:_____________________
Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots
and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings
can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If John has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jimmy for
$320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the
balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Richard is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Richard can pay for his $800
per day crack habit?
4. Jacob wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a
4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal
to make $800?
6. Robert is in prison for 6 more...

How to Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry basket
according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If husband seen along the way cover any exposed
flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly.
Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red
raw.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair taking at more...

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The
solvent dissolves the adhesive.
2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set 5 minutes and wash clean. The
alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.
3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth
dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills
germs.
4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your
safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects
the blade and prevents rusting.
5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, then blot dry.
6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse
the skin and tighten pores.
7. Add a splash of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol
cleanses the scalp, removes toxins from more...

Apparently true...

Why we have AQIS Australian Quarantine Inspection Service - creepy. Apparently its completely true.

This bloke and his family were on holiday in the States and went to Mexico for a week. As he is an avid cactus fan he bought a rare and expensive cactus there, it was about a metre high and cost about $500 Aus. He got it home and the customs people were none too impressed so they said it must stay in quarantine for 3 months, cost $800 or so.

He finally got his cactus home and planted it in his backyard where over time it grew to about 2 metres or so in height.

One evening after a beautiful warm spring day he was out watering his garden and thought he might give the cactus a light spray. This he did and was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another light spray and it shivered and shook again. All its arms moved. He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens.

After a few more...

How To Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do
more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs

12. Turn off more...