Spring Jokes / Recent Jokes
Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when more...
Subject: Going Toastal -- a tale for the dilbert age
Day 1: My boss, an engineer from the pre-CAD days, has successfully brought a generation of products from Acme Toaster Corp's engineering labs to market. Bob is a wonder of mechanical ingenuity. All of us in the design department have the utmost respect for him, so I was honored when he appointed me the lead designer on the new Acme 2000 Toaster.
Day 6: We met with the president, head of sales, and the marketing vice president today to hammer out the project's requirements and specifications. Here at Acme, our market share is eroding to low-cost imports. We agreed to meet a cost of goods of $9.50 (100,000). I've identified the critical issue in the new design: a replacement for the timing spring we've used since the original 1922 model. Research with the focus groups shows that consumers set high expectations for their breakfast foods. Cafe latte from Starbuck's goes best with a precise level of toastal more...
Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to thefront door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," hesays. "That's cool" says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobbyreplies politely that they will probably just go to the sodashop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as aquite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it."Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan forthe evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minuteslater, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt andannounces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless withanticipation, Bobby escorts more...
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made more...
Confucius Says: Woman who spring on innerspring this spring have offspring next spring.
So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, "Next!"He asks the first nun, "Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"The first nun says, embarrased, "Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time..."St. Peter says, "No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!" So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.Then St. Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"The second nun says, embarrassed, "Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...""Not to worry!" laughs St. Peter. "Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over more...