Spring Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ron and James had been camping together for a week when they finally had enough of each other, so Ron had an idea for the two to wake up early the next day and hike in opposite directions for the day and meet at the campground for dinner. James agreed.
So around 6 the next evening they meet up. Ron says "I hiked north and came up to a beautiful spring, I swam for a few hours, then stretched out on the shore to dry and I watched a deer drink from the spring... it was so wonderful."
James said "Wow, you had a good day. I went south and ran into some railroad tracks, I followed them east until I came across a woman tied to the tracks, I untied her and we had sex in every imaginable way all day."
Ron was so jealous "Your day was so much better than mine... did you get a blow job?"
"Nope" James replied, "I couldn't find her head!"

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of more...

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
Shedoes, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more more...

David Copperfield, magician and Charles Dicken's ripoff, has claimed to have found the Fountain of Youth...on his $300,000 a week resort in the Bahamas. Copperfield says that he has found a spring on his island that has magical properities, including rejuvenating plants that are withered and dying. Who knew that by giving water to plants that were withered and dying would bring them back to life. Take that cactus.
Although, Copperfield has yet to allow any guest sample the water, many are anxious to see if this spring does indeed have magical powers. Perhaps, this is the same magical potion he used to get Claudia Schiffer to fuck him.

How does the gay guy know that spring has arrived?
A gerbil comes out of his ass and doesn't see it's shadow.

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his more...