Springfield Jokes

From a contest in which Baby Boomers were asked to tell Gen Xers how much harder it was in the old days: In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around. We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit.
(Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax) In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria) In my day, we didn't have hand held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
(Jon Patrick Smith, Washington) In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers. We had "nothing," "one," "twain" and "multitudes."
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel) In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your more...

One time two guys are sitting in the bar near closing time, and the one man looks at the other and says, "You look mighty familiar, have I seen you some where?"

The other replies,"yeah I got the same feeling, where were you raised?" and the first drunk says," Springfield."

The other drunk replies, " Hey no kidding, me too. What school did you go to?"

"Springfield Middle school."

"No way! Me too. Did you live on Frederick St.?"

"Yeah."

"No shit, me too."

Now this conversation goes on and on like this, then the owner of the bar calls the bar tender to close up and asks " Anything new happening down there?" to which the bar tender replies "Nah, just the Johnson twins drunk again.

Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when more...

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of more...