Squawks Jokes / Recent Jokes

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.

St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:
Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck more...

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews, and are normally accompanied by a response from the maintenance worker.
(Don't let these scare you about air travel any more than any other tidbits you hear in the news.)
From the "squawk sheets":
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #2: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1,#3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Solution: "IT DOES NOW"
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit"
Problem: more...

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on more...

A friend of mine told me this one the other day...
A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has
come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When
the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book,
book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the
chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts
the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book,
book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these
books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken
disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who
squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
By more...

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

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(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire

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(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

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(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

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(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) more...