Stage Jokes / Recent Jokes
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.
When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.
Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.
Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.
Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.
Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.
Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you more...
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.Silly string! or, better more...
Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 under the baton of Milton Katims. Now at this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400, right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, once the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the symphony, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on thier stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds of drinks. Two of the bassists passed out, and the more...
A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from
the audience. A man volunteered and went up on stage. The magician told him
to pick up the 16 pound sledgehammer that was on stage next to a cement
block and break the block apart with the sledgehammer so the audience would
know the sledgehammer was real.
So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might and shattered the
cement block. The magician now told the man to hit him square in the face
with the sledgehammer.
Horrified, the man said, "No way. It'll probably kill you".
The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be
fine. I promise you. Go ahead."
"Well,", the man replied, "Ok, here goes."
Again, the man swung the sledgehammer and aimed it at the magician's face.
The result was very bloody. The magician's nose was crushed, teeth fell
out more...
The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts. Charles Darwin
Leaves stage when not singing lead vocal-$20
Holds guitar, but doesn't play-$15
Plays guitar but plays wrong chords, not plugged in-$25
Plays guitar, wrong chords, plugged in-$250
Plays tambourine-$10
Plays tambourine out of time-$50
Leaves tambourine, drink, charts, entertainer's secrets laying all over stage-$25
Plays harmonica solo during song-$100
Tells jokes over mic-$5
Tells bad jokes over mic-$50
Tells bad joke and then laughing hysterically about it over mic-$500
Leaves stage to argue with boyfriend-$35
Argues with band members onstage-$150
Argues offstage with boyfriend musician-$175
Argues onstage with boyfriend musician-$200
Gripes at band onstage-$20
Gripes at band onstage over mic-$75
Walks off stage to use cell phone on gig-$15
Uses cell phone on stage during gig-$30
Powders nose, sprays perfume, sprays hairspray, freshens up lipstick on stage-$15
Thousand dollar outfit, more...
The Story of Micro and MiniMicro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-bandprotocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing. One evening he arrived home, just as the Sun was crashing and had parked hisMotorola 6800 in the main drive (he missed the 5100 bus that morning ), whenhe noticed an elegant piece of hardware escorting her daisy wheels in hisgarden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly," "I'll see if she'dlike an update tonight." Mini was her name, and she was delightfull, engineered with eyes like COBOL anda Prime mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking all overthe place. He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floatingpoint processors and inquired "How are you Honey Well?." "Yes I am well," sheresponded, batting her optical fibres engagingly and smoothing her console overher curvilinear more...