Stand Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtles one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "Whats wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Ill bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking its an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you itll be there before your dog!"

ttle Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today." The first student raised her hand to volunteer. "Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first." Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny." The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?" Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie." "Very good," the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..." n Before he could attempt to spell it once more...

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, He decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.
It's a very handy thing, God told the couple. "I was
wondering if either one of you wanted the ability?" Adam jumped up and blurted out, "Oh, give that to me. I'd love it. Please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be great. When I'm out working in the garden, I could just stand there and let it fly. It would be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to." On and on he went like an excited little boy...
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. She added it was the sort of thing that would make him happy and she wouldn't mind if Adam was the one given this ability. And so, Adam was more...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things
left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to
stand up while urinating.
"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do
that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please,
let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or
naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I
could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that
gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
"All right," said God. "Adam will have the ability to more...

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability."
Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be mine who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!" On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to pee.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It more...

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.
"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man."To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."
The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."
"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."
"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"
"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently."Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"