Stand Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he`s the only one standing.
Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don`t know what we`re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
If you use lighter strings.. he should use heavier strings to sound better
If you sit and play.. why doesn't he stand?
If you stand why doesn't he sit?
If you smile.. what's wrong with him?
If you don't smile.. what's wrong with him?
If you play two measures in octaves.. Wes was a big influence
If you play more than two measures in octaves.. you sound just like Wes
If you like to play "out" what's he doing, can he really play?
If you play " inside". Yeah! But can he really play?
If you play an Archtop. . why does he need such a big guitar
If you play a solid-body that's not a jazz guitar
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
I was at a party and the host was getting worried because there were too many people and not enough refreshments. She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how to tell which ones were the crashers. Then her husband got an idea....
He turned to the crowd of guests and said, "Will those who are from the bride's side of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.
Then he asked, "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family stand up as well?" About twenty five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave, this is a birthday party."
Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the `real` reason this meeting has been called. Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table. During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm. Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming. Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it. Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room. Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points. When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, more...