Statement Jokes / Recent Jokes

Quotes about computers and software and other things
Collected by Steen Hansen Hviid, Columbus, Ohio, USA
"Unix was not designed to stop people from doing stupid things,
because that would also stop them from doing clever things."
-Doug Gwyn
"Walking on water and developing software from a specification
are easy if both are frozen."
- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"
True research is like fumbling in the dark for the right switches.
Once you've turned the light on everyone can see...
- unknown
"An idiot with a computer is a faster, better idiot"
- Rich Julius
"The C Programming Language - A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
Pascal - A programming language named after a man who would
turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
I haven't lost my mind, I have it backed up on tape more...

The Court of King George III London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson,

We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the "Laws of Nature and Nature`s God." What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2. In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of mankind." more...

A defendant was on trial for murder in a case where there was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
Knowing that his client would probably be convicted, the lawyer resorted to a trick during his closing statement.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for all of you," he said, looking at his watch. "In approximately one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He then looked towards the courtroom door. The jurors, stunned, looked on eagerly. A minute passed and nothing happened.
Finally, the lawyer said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I made up the previous statement. However, you all looked on with anticipation. Therefore, I say to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, now clearly confused, retired to deliberate. Within a few minutes, they returned and pronounced a more...

The Court of King George III
London, England
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your "Declaration of Independence" with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the
Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for
proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further
refinement.
The questions which follow might assist you in your process of
revision:
In your opening paragraph you use the phrase "the Laws of Nature
and Nature's God." What are these laws? In what way are they
the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please
document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the "opinions of more...

I got this off of another mailing list, and though you do have to be somewhat familiar with Depeche Mode's music in order to fully appreciate this, I thought I would forward it anyway...
-Dan Aeschliman
Statement of Thesis
(sung to the tune of Depeche Mode - Personal Jesus)
Your own statement of thesis
Something to help you write
Something of might
Your own statement of thesis
Something to help you write
Something you'll spite
Feeling depressed
When you take the test
You may just snap
'Cause you just write crap
Don't forget your bluebook
The proctors give you dirty looks
Taking the test
Of issues addressed
Things on your chest
They can't be repressed
I will be prudent
I'm only a student
Reach out and touch page
Reach out and touch page
Your own statement of thesis...
Feeling depressed
When you take the test
You may just snap
'Cause you just write crap
Don't forget your more...

Mar 18, 1997 (AP)
Following the recent announcement that all available humor has been used, and is now being recycled, a very unexpected reactionhas occurred in Congress. Responding to a flood of calls and letters,, members of both houses of Congress have come together to attempt to resolve the problem. In a rare show of bipartisan cooperation, a majority of Senators and Representatives signed a letter to the President asking him to release some of the US strategic reserves of humor.
It is a little known fact, but the United States keeps a large reserve of humor, in a manner similar to that in which oil reserves are stored. Located in abandoned salt caves buried deep in Louisiana, the humor is stored for times of national emergency and general unhappiness.
Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, in a statement made during a press conference to announce the letter stated: "The American people have spoken. The vas majority of the comments we have all received have been from more...

KABUL (Voice of Sharia) -- Citing worldwide reaction to last week`s terrorist attacks, multi-national terror network Al Qaeda announced Thursday that it would lay off 5, 000 or more holy warriors. The "holy war" concern said the move was necessary because of an expected 20 percent fatwah reduction and cost and complexity of thwarting new airport and immigration security procedures, according to a statement broadcast on Afghanistan`s Voice of Sharia radio.
"This is, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I have had to do in my over two decades as a mujahad," said Al Qaeda mastermind and chief operations officer Osama bin Laden in a letter to employees. He added, "Some of these people are my friends, who have been fighting the infidel by my side since we were living in caves in Afghanistan during the Soviet occupation. We are still living in caves in Afghanistan, but I believe the bottom is forming and we will see a turnaround soon, provided we can meet more...