Statement Jokes / Recent Jokes

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim.
"I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company.
"Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head.
"You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied,' I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?"
"Yeah, but…" stammered the farmer.
"A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly.
"Yes," Replied the farmer.
Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer more...

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim." I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company." Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head." You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied,' I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but" stammered the farmer." A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly." Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said." Certainly," replied the more...

FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or more...

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only said his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual communication traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs. Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.

On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded.

It seems that Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question: "When I was a kid, more...

A farmer who's been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim."I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" Stated the counsel for the insurance company."Yes, that's right," replied the farmer, nodding his head."You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says that when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied,' I've never felt better inn my life.' Is that the case?""Yeah, but" stammered the farmer."A simple yes or not will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly."Yes," Replied the farmer. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said."Certainly," replied the farmer. more...

This conversation took place between Mr. Kens Tar and his son Klin Ton.
Dad
Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son
What's up, Dad?
Dad
There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son
I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say,
truthfully, that I scratched the car.
Dad
Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, And no one else has driven it
since. How can you explain the scratch?
Son
Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I
did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.
Dad
But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of
the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive
away. So again I'll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the more...

Statement of fact (anti-English)
The alternative encyclopaedia of Scotland
E is for England
A small irrelevant country which, humourously, thinks itself important. The source of much jollity the world over, England is a strong contender for the Country You Most Love To Hate award. From Mandalay to Mauritius via Timbuktu and Tasmania, everyone hates England. Indeed, England has it within its grasp to bring about global unification just by declaring war on the world. Every nation on earth would unite in the fight.
Strange but true; the reason England thinks it is the centre of the universe is because it won the football {soccer in N America} World Cup in 1966. Though irritating, this would not have mattered too much if it had learned to shut up about it for five minutes. England also had an obscenely big empire which, again, was noteworthy only for how much it annoyed everyone else.
A common misconception is that England lost its empire because the uppity more...