Steve Jokes / Recent Jokes

Contributed by Steve Kufer, who attended the event.
Here are highlights from Comedy Celebration Day on July 31, 1988 in
San Francisco. For those who plan WAY in advance, next year's
Comedy Celebration Day is Sunday, July 30th (1989!).
These are some of the comedians more memorable quotes during the day:
Michael McShane
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent
them two hammers and a toilet seat.
I'm a Psychic Amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Sue Murphy
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!"
Fred Reiss
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours.
Great song.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
Jake Johansen
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket.
"You know a cow was more...

Diane was married to a real male chauvinist. Although they both worked full-time, he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework.
One day Steve, her husband, read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. So, one evening, he declared to do her work.
When Diane arrived home from work, she was stunned to see the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner cooking on the stove, and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was truly astonished and wanted to know what was going on. When she asked Steve, he told her about the article he had read.
The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked.
Diane said, "Steve even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the more...

There were 2 gays in a shower. They were doing it and then the door bell rang.
Steve: That's the door, I gotta go answer it.
Rob: Okay honey, jus don't keep me waitin!
Steve: Okay, I will be right back. Don't cum until I get back.
Rob: Okay sexy!
Steve goes to answer the door and noones there. So he walks back to shower, and to his disappoinentment there is cum all over one side of the bathroom.
Steve: I told you not to cum!
Rob: I didn't. I farted.

Somewhere over Australia...
The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. "I'm afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump." advises the pilot.
The co-pilots says, "WHAT ABOUT THE SHEEP!"
"FUCK THE SHEEP!" replies the pilot.
"DO YOU THINK WE HAVE TIME?" Steve Inquires.

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says,'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.

"I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says.' I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried.

He turns to Poncho.' Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?'

Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch more...

The following is an excerpt from a 1986 Saturday Night Live skit, the speaker being Steve Martin. If I could have one wish for christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sings in unison all with smiling faces.
If I could have just two wishes for christmas, the first one would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing while happy and smiling, the second would be for 30 million dollars to be given to me on a monthly basis, deposited in a swiss bank account.
If I could have just three wishes for christmas the first would be for all the children to hold hands and sing, the second for 30 million dollars to be deposited monthly in my bank account, and the third would be to have absolute power over all the creatures of the earth and sky and the whole universe.
If I could have four wishes for christmas, the first would definately be that children crap, the second would be the 30 million dollars, the third would be absolute power more...

This just in, Steve Phillips found a Hare in his soup.