Stew Jokes

A man spoke with the Lord about heaven and hell. The Lord said to the man, "Come, I will show you hell." They entered a room where a group of people sat around a huge pot of stew. Everyone was famished, desperate and starving. Each held a spoon that reached the pot, but each spoon had a handle so much longer than their arms that it could not be used to get the stew into their own mouths. The suffering was terrible.
"Come, now I will show you heaven," the Lord said after a while. They entered another room, identical to the first - the pot of stew, the group of people, the same long-handled spoons. But there everyone was happy and well-nourished.
"I don't understand," said the man. "Why are they happy here when they were miserable in the other room and everything was the same?"
The Lord smiled, "Ah, it is simple," he said. "Here they have learned to feed each other."

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Stew
Stew who?
Stew cold out here, let me in!

How do you make a Gorilla stew? You keep it waiting for three hours!

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?" "Well... yes." Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men`s penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don`t you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.
A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher,' Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied.' They were only 50p a pound this morning!'
How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!
Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!
Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!
Is that more...